Federal agents raided the homes and classrooms of hundreds of parents, teachers, and educational “advocates” today because of their involvement with the “opt-out movement.” This illegal act of defiance has cost millions in tax payer’s money and now the feds as well as state education officials are cracking down.

Among the charges these people face are endangering the welfare of minors, insubordination, and churlishness.

Mr. Glynn of Brookhaven Elementary School was removed earlier this morning from his school’s playground in which he was wasting valuable time for rigorous learning to play soccer with his class. It took officials a while to find him as they assumed he would be in the teachers’ lounge during his lunch break.

Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education was outraged over the number of parents who refused the tests in New York. “We made it clear that schools are failing,” he said. “We had scores, scatter plots, and expensive commercials made. Clearly the suburban white moms are not only in denial about the intelligence of their kids, but also about the quality of their schools.”

Former Commissioner, John King, who has lobbied to change the spelling to “commisioner,” was not surprised by the opt-out numbers. “As commisioner in New York, I clearly established that schools are failing by failing 70% of the students who took state tests. Parents in New York reject challenges it seems.”

Disgraced Superintendent, Dr. Joseph Rella was forcibly removed from a piano bench while accompanying his elementary school students’ concert. It took three federal agents to stop him from playing. The children’s choir, as if brainwashed, did not miss a note. It was only after the fifth grade chorus finished “This Land is Your Land” that the defiant Rella was taken. Many Comsewogue community members were detained including every member of the Rennard family. When Newsday asked for a comment, Dr. Rella replied, “I don’t speak English.”

Jeanette Deutermann, one of the masterminds behind the massive opt out movement was sentenced to life in Finland. She claims she is not from there.

Mike Mulgrew, recently appointed Education Czar was firm in his commitment to keeping America competitve. “These tests will return the US to educational prominence. I will drop kick the next person in the eye brow who says they ain’t.”

The number of arrested teachers tells the story of just how damaged the education system in New York was. On Long Island, 70% of the teaching force was fired for their ties to social media groups such as Long Island Opt Out, Lace to the Top, and NYSAPE to name a few.

Activity in these groups was deemed unlawful by the recently passed bipartisan bill, “Save Schools from Parents Act.” This bill will guarantee every child will be assessed and eliminate the agendas of negative social media groups that attempt to promote activities that are ruled to be “dangerous to the ideals and beliefs of the American people.” Any families that join these groups or “friend” members of said groups are considered a “threat” to the children in American schools.

New charter schools will be created for the children of identified families. One of the interview questions officials have shared will be “Are you or have you ever been a member of the Green Lacer party?”

Teach for America has decided to reduce the time required for students to be certified to 45 minutes in order to fill the enormous number of vacancies left by the teachers who refused to obey the directives of the State Education Department.

One art teacher who chose to remain nameless revealed teachers openly cared more for how pretty students painted or sang, rather than students’ scores on tests. “I was told to substitute a self-portrait painting project using paint and items important in a child’s life with the New York State art module on bubble-filling called, ‘The Art and Beauty of a Completely Filled Bubble.'”

Schools will save hundreds with teachers’ dismissals and a more efficient change to a color wheel with “acceptable shades of gray” which are #2 grey and graphite gray.

Diane Ravitch, was placed on the “No Quote List.” Ms. Ravitch has been a harsh critic of standardized testing and a promoter of test refusals. She was not contacted for comment as per the new law which states, “Those on the ‘No Quote List,’ which immediately and irrevocably denies any person with blogs with over 18 million reads on the topic of education reform, may not communicate any ideas about education no matter how logical and intelligent the thoughts may be, to any form of media under the penalty of virus on all Microsoft product said violator owns.”

One parent spoke candidly about the number of teachers fired. “I told them, don’t opt out! You’ll get in trouble. Guess that’s what happens when unions get crazy ideas into the heads of good law-abiding parents.”

Special counselors have been hired to help students transition to life with in their newer and more rigorous schools. New Commisioner, Ken Wagner said, “This will be a challenging time for our young people. Teaching is the core. We have an obligation to prepare our students for college and career. This is a team effort. One test at a time. We can no longer ignore our most neglected populations. Hakuna matata.” Commisioner Wagner chose his former boss’ spelling to keep his legacy of positive change alive.

Among the most infamous to be detained are Tim Farley the former principal and deviant radical from upstate New York best known for his insulting tweets and subversive posts.

Beth Dimino, union head honcho for Comsewogue and science teacher neglected her professional responsibilities to her job by feigning concern for her students’ well being.

Dr. Carol Burris, the former “Principal of the Year” turned insurgent was fined $100,000 for each article published in The Washington Post in which she claimed the tests used by NYSED were bad. Valerie Strauss, who collaborated with Dr. Burris has been transferred to work the alien sighting division of The National Enquirer.

Randi Weingarten expressed sadness over the loss of so many teachers and joy at the hope promised with a new era of testing.

The Bad (Expletive deleted) Teacher, B.A.T.S. were dismantled. Marla Kilfoyle did not go down without a verbal attack on the feds who tried to convince her to go quietly. “I will not allow you to destroy our kids futures!” she shouted. Officials pointed out that her group has a bad word in it, which means they should not be trusted.

New dress code laws were included with the bill including misdemeanor charges for wearing red in large numbers during outside of legislators’ offices and felony charges for any individual wearing green laces, lanyards, and/or bracelets.

All meme making software has been removed from the Internet.

Now that reformers have removed meddlesome parents from curtailing their plan, reformers have decided to move the SAT TO 4th grade and give any school without 85% of its students 1200 the death penalty.

Gates funded Fordham Institute purchased Fordham University. They wanted to create a college that would cater to the new college and career ready brand of student that schools were now producing. First order of business was to remove Dr. Mark Naison. The reason for his termination was “He kept it too real. Any professional who knows the definition of a term like ‘badunkadunk’ is clearly of dubious moral fiber.”

Leonie Haimson was also found guilty of over 2 million counts of endangering the welfare of minors for her actions which led to the end of inBloom, the group that envisioned a system that would ensure students’ progress could finally be taken out of the grasp of teachers and their unions. Her work with Class Size Matters will also be used in upcoming litigation.

It is believed that inBloom will begin data mining as early as tomorrow. An official reported, “We hoped to serve the tax payers of New York with reliable data for a snapshot of their schools.”

Governor Cuomo, the students’ governor spoke at a Success Academy dinner last night on the yacht, “Advoca-Sea.” He praised the feds strong stance against those who promoted opt out. “We are seeing a shift. The age of teachers’ monopoly over your children’s lives is coming to an end. Students will never again be used as pawns in labor disputes. Trust us. We care about all children more than greedy unions and misguided parents from middle class neighborhoods.”

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