Dear Teacher,

Take this damn letter and make damn sure that my child, _________, will opt-in to unlimited, rigorous testing. 

After reading Newsday, I know the only way to receive a high quality education is through more testing. Teachers, like you, are the morons who created the so-called “opt-out movement” to meet your union’s demands to keep teachers unaccountable. I trust 18 hours of testing will benefit my child more than 180 days of your “teaching.”

High stakes state tests will ensure my _____ year old is college and career ready. If someone takes something from my child, I’m going to grab it right back out of their cold, twisted, sick hands and say it is his! You do not take what is his! And then I’ll punch them in the face and kick them in the dirt because bubble tests matter.

I have attached all of my child’s data including report cards, medical records, gamer profile for XBox, as well as the Youtube videos he recorded while playing Minecraft. Bill Gates only asked for 10 years of my child’s life. Let’s give him the full 30 and keep all that data safely stored by a reputable company such as, InBloom. If you’re not doing anything wrong, then you should have nothing to hide.

I fully subscribe to the methodology used by the New York State Education Department in conjunction with Bill Gates to tell me my child’s value. Questions without correct answers in addition to questions created with more than one plausible answers provide the type of rigor I value in my home. For example, I require my child to read passages from Bill Gates’ biography in a dark room and then ask him multiple choice questions on Mesopotamia just to provide some extra opportunities to show grit; “gritunities.” Although New York State fired Pearson from making the test I still fully believe in their validity. Use say cut scores, I say potatoes. The best part about these tests is how they cleverly teach children patience by providing the suspense of waiting 8 months to be told a score. As they say, “Test results are like wine; the longer you wait for them the better they are.”

In the world of global competition, it is important my child does not fall behind other countries. To fall behind such countries as Ohio and Arizona would be a detriment to our country and would not be a good way to make America great again.

Common Core is is a bipartisan agreement from 57 governors. Who am I to disagree with them? I am just a parent of a mediocre child. If my child is able to finish his test early, please allow him to take the test of those deadbeat children who decide to opt out to ensure we do not lose funding for our school.

Yours truly,

Billy “Deadbolt” Friedrich